I'm making progress archiving negatives from family photos. Looks like I've got a good span of years - probably have the majority or all of the boxes of photos that existed. I've been discovering film formats I didn't even know existed. I'll also have to get some medium format envelopes, as there's more medium format than I expected to encounter.
It's been fun. I found a clean print of a set of formal portraits taken of us kids, when before I'd only had molded dirty copies, so that was a gem to find. And the negatives overall are in excellent condition. I did have to carefully separate some stuck ones, and one pair I even soaked in running water to get it to let go. Even it came apart okay, and then dried back out just fine.
My parents were taking photos to document their lives from 1970/1971, when they were dating in college. It's been awesome to see the transitions over the years. It'll be even better once I have things organized, scanned, and easily sorted and viewed. Fun fun.
More blog entries friend-locked, for those who are logged in.
It's been fun. I found a clean print of a set of formal portraits taken of us kids, when before I'd only had molded dirty copies, so that was a gem to find. And the negatives overall are in excellent condition. I did have to carefully separate some stuck ones, and one pair I even soaked in running water to get it to let go. Even it came apart okay, and then dried back out just fine.
My parents were taking photos to document their lives from 1970/1971, when they were dating in college. It's been awesome to see the transitions over the years. It'll be even better once I have things organized, scanned, and easily sorted and viewed. Fun fun.
More blog entries friend-locked, for those who are logged in.
- Mood:
busy
The last test I endured at the hospital on Friday was a CAT scan. Overall, it wasn't a bad experience: it took less time than the sonogram, where I spent what seemed like six weeks having my gut kneaded while being told to hold my breath. Nor did I nearly pass out, as was the case during my X-rays. A smiley face informed me to hold my breath for six seconds, I listened to the machine whirr, then I was told to breathe again. All in all, it was a friendly little stop on the ER tour.
When I was wheeled back to ER, I found my wife, who had spent the last eight hours watching over me in my ER room, in the hallway near the front desk. We had been evicted from our comparatively homier digs in favor of a more recent tenant, and there were no other rooms available. I asked her about the new patient. Heroin and Oxycontin, was the reply.
A little over an hour later, when I had been discharged and we were walking to Walgreens to pick up my new meds, we discussed the patient. Although I had not seen him, Tori had: she described him as a white guy, no older than his mid-twenties, casually but not sloppily dressed, unconscious, with an oxygen mask over his face. He could have been one of those college kids who drank too much at a fraternity party on a Friday night, but that would have not explained the steady march of doctors, nurses, and orderlies - the latter pushing over a half -dozen machines - into a space not much larger than my college dorm room. It was a hospital version of the old clowns in the tiny car trick, but lacked the humor. The same nurses whom I cracked jokes with a few hours earlierwalked in and out of the ER room with grim looks on their faces. Doctors and nurses discussed the patient within earshot of Tori and me: his friends had found him unconscious; he was suffering from pneumonia and septic shock. It was quite possible the patient would not survive the night.
While at Walgreens, Tori and I discussed our own drug histories. Tori's, of course, was nonexistent; mine wasn't much more impressive, outside of making the acquaintance of alcohol and maybe a couple dozen marijuana cigarettes in my college years. More importantly, neither of us succumbed to the "temptation" of hard drugs, simply because it wasn't a temptation. As turbulent as my younger years were, it never occurred to me to numb the pain in that manner. We were part of the "just say no" generation, I suppose, but I wasn't necessarily anti-drugs: I simply didn't regard it as an option for myself. Had someone in high school offered me heroin or cocaine, I would have turned it down without a second thought. Was that because of the propaganda, or was it because I saw family members struggle with drug addiction? Maybe a little of both. At any rate, neither Tori nor I could imagine ourselves in that young man's bed, a dozen doctors, nurses, orderlies, and machines all working to save his life.
When I was wheeled back to ER, I found my wife, who had spent the last eight hours watching over me in my ER room, in the hallway near the front desk. We had been evicted from our comparatively homier digs in favor of a more recent tenant, and there were no other rooms available. I asked her about the new patient. Heroin and Oxycontin, was the reply.
A little over an hour later, when I had been discharged and we were walking to Walgreens to pick up my new meds, we discussed the patient. Although I had not seen him, Tori had: she described him as a white guy, no older than his mid-twenties, casually but not sloppily dressed, unconscious, with an oxygen mask over his face. He could have been one of those college kids who drank too much at a fraternity party on a Friday night, but that would have not explained the steady march of doctors, nurses, and orderlies - the latter pushing over a half -dozen machines - into a space not much larger than my college dorm room. It was a hospital version of the old clowns in the tiny car trick, but lacked the humor. The same nurses whom I cracked jokes with a few hours earlierwalked in and out of the ER room with grim looks on their faces. Doctors and nurses discussed the patient within earshot of Tori and me: his friends had found him unconscious; he was suffering from pneumonia and septic shock. It was quite possible the patient would not survive the night.
While at Walgreens, Tori and I discussed our own drug histories. Tori's, of course, was nonexistent; mine wasn't much more impressive, outside of making the acquaintance of alcohol and maybe a couple dozen marijuana cigarettes in my college years. More importantly, neither of us succumbed to the "temptation" of hard drugs, simply because it wasn't a temptation. As turbulent as my younger years were, it never occurred to me to numb the pain in that manner. We were part of the "just say no" generation, I suppose, but I wasn't necessarily anti-drugs: I simply didn't regard it as an option for myself. Had someone in high school offered me heroin or cocaine, I would have turned it down without a second thought. Was that because of the propaganda, or was it because I saw family members struggle with drug addiction? Maybe a little of both. At any rate, neither Tori nor I could imagine ourselves in that young man's bed, a dozen doctors, nurses, orderlies, and machines all working to save his life.
now today, my phone thinks it's battery is charged just fine.
possibly a hickup wiht the new 3G software and behaving eratically after a low battery induced automatic shutdown.
possibly a hickup wiht the new 3G software and behaving eratically after a low battery induced automatic shutdown.
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/syndicated.gif){kind=small}
I have two sweeties in school right now pursuing postgraduate degrees related in some way to neuroscience, brain mapping, or brain modeling.
Brain mapping is hard. Really, really, really hard.
It's not just that there's a lot of neurons in the brain (though there are--about 100 billion1 or so). It's not just that they're wired together in beastly complicated ways, though that, too, is true.
It's that "beastly complicated" doesn't even begin to cover it.
This is a drawing of a type of brain cell called a Purkinje cell, taken from a 1918 copy of Gray's Anatomy. 1918! We've known about these things for a long time:
There are a lot of these in your brain, mostly in your voluntary motor control areas. A single Purkinje cell has one axon, which is basically a nerve cell's output, and as many as 200,000 dendrites, which are basically a nerve cell's input. Purkinje cells regulate motor control, primarily by inhibiting other neurons from firing. All your motor control is mediated by these brain cells. They're also hooked into "climbing fibers," axons from other neurons which pass from the center parts of your brain outward.
At rest, these guys fire regularly, sending inhibitory signals to neurons deeper down. When activated, they fire much more rapidly, more strongly inhibiting downstream neurons. All well and good, but...
...a single Purkinje cell can have two hundred thousand inputs. Read that again so that the pure horror has time to sink in. A single Purkinje cell can have two hundred thousand inputs.
So, if you were to, say, want to map a person's brain, that would basically mean recording each brain cell and a list of all the other brain cells it links to. If you had 100 brain cells and each one could link to one other cell, you'd have, potentially, 100 links to record. If you had 100 brain cells and each one could link to 10 other cells, you'd have 100 times 10, or 1,000, links to record. If you had 100 brain cells and each could link to 20 other cells, you'd have 100 times 20 links to record. Makes sense, right?
And if you have 100 billion cells, and each cell can link to 200,000 other cells, you have 100,000,000,000 times 200,000 links to record.
This is a really, really, really big number. This is the kind of number that's within the same order of magnitude as the number of grains of sand on the entire freaking planet. Imagine tagging, isolating, and recording the relative position of every freaking grain of sand on the entire freaking planet and you'll start to gain an appreciation of the magnitude of the challenge involved in mapping a human brain.
Even your own DNA doesn't record this information--it can't. If you were to dedicate the entire information storage capacity of the entire human genome just to mapping the connections between all your brain cells, you'd fall short by several orders of magnitude. The process of building a brain is dynamic; your DNA only describes the gross physical structure, and then as your brain forms it wires itself up more or less randomly2. That's why it takes such a long time to make a human brain--a process that isn't really finished 'til you're out of puberty3.
Which is very depressing, when you consider just how valuable that model will be. And makes my sweeties all the more amazing, I think.
1 American billion (1x109), not British billion (1x1012).
2 Well, not really randomly,, but not deterministically according to a blueprint either. Each nerve cell sends out dendrites, which hook up with whatever nearby nerve cells they happen to hook up with--a neuron that fails to hook up to any other neurons typically dies. The direction and number of dendrites are determined, in general ways, by your genes, but the specific connections that get made are not. And these connections remain dynamic throughout your entire life; long term memory, for example, appears to be encoded in patterns of connections.
3 Interestingly, most of the late-stage development, that takes place during and just after puberty, is inhibitory. Kinda explains a lot, doncha think?
Brain mapping is hard. Really, really, really hard.
It's not just that there's a lot of neurons in the brain (though there are--about 100 billion1 or so). It's not just that they're wired together in beastly complicated ways, though that, too, is true.
It's that "beastly complicated" doesn't even begin to cover it.
This is a drawing of a type of brain cell called a Purkinje cell, taken from a 1918 copy of Gray's Anatomy. 1918! We've known about these things for a long time:
There are a lot of these in your brain, mostly in your voluntary motor control areas. A single Purkinje cell has one axon, which is basically a nerve cell's output, and as many as 200,000 dendrites, which are basically a nerve cell's input. Purkinje cells regulate motor control, primarily by inhibiting other neurons from firing. All your motor control is mediated by these brain cells. They're also hooked into "climbing fibers," axons from other neurons which pass from the center parts of your brain outward.
At rest, these guys fire regularly, sending inhibitory signals to neurons deeper down. When activated, they fire much more rapidly, more strongly inhibiting downstream neurons. All well and good, but...
...a single Purkinje cell can have two hundred thousand inputs. Read that again so that the pure horror has time to sink in. A single Purkinje cell can have two hundred thousand inputs.
So, if you were to, say, want to map a person's brain, that would basically mean recording each brain cell and a list of all the other brain cells it links to. If you had 100 brain cells and each one could link to one other cell, you'd have, potentially, 100 links to record. If you had 100 brain cells and each one could link to 10 other cells, you'd have 100 times 10, or 1,000, links to record. If you had 100 brain cells and each could link to 20 other cells, you'd have 100 times 20 links to record. Makes sense, right?
And if you have 100 billion cells, and each cell can link to 200,000 other cells, you have 100,000,000,000 times 200,000 links to record.
This is a really, really, really big number. This is the kind of number that's within the same order of magnitude as the number of grains of sand on the entire freaking planet. Imagine tagging, isolating, and recording the relative position of every freaking grain of sand on the entire freaking planet and you'll start to gain an appreciation of the magnitude of the challenge involved in mapping a human brain.
Even your own DNA doesn't record this information--it can't. If you were to dedicate the entire information storage capacity of the entire human genome just to mapping the connections between all your brain cells, you'd fall short by several orders of magnitude. The process of building a brain is dynamic; your DNA only describes the gross physical structure, and then as your brain forms it wires itself up more or less randomly2. That's why it takes such a long time to make a human brain--a process that isn't really finished 'til you're out of puberty3.
Which is very depressing, when you consider just how valuable that model will be. And makes my sweeties all the more amazing, I think.
1 American billion (1x109), not British billion (1x1012).
2 Well, not really randomly,, but not deterministically according to a blueprint either. Each nerve cell sends out dendrites, which hook up with whatever nearby nerve cells they happen to hook up with--a neuron that fails to hook up to any other neurons typically dies. The direction and number of dendrites are determined, in general ways, by your genes, but the specific connections that get made are not. And these connections remain dynamic throughout your entire life; long term memory, for example, appears to be encoded in patterns of connections.
3 Interestingly, most of the late-stage development, that takes place during and just after puberty, is inhibitory. Kinda explains a lot, doncha think?
- Mood: awake
I'm not much of the praying type, but I know alot of y'all are, so I'll just throw this out there.
I've a close friend who is going through some really trying times right now. She's really low, and has some really tough decisions ahead of her. Her life's been turned upside down.
However, I promised I would keep her secret, so I cannot say who or why exactly. All I ask is maybe just a footnote or something in your prayers for my friend. She really needs the support right now.
Thanks.
I've a close friend who is going through some really trying times right now. She's really low, and has some really tough decisions ahead of her. Her life's been turned upside down.
However, I promised I would keep her secret, so I cannot say who or why exactly. All I ask is maybe just a footnote or something in your prayers for my friend. She really needs the support right now.
Thanks.
- Mood:concerned
Our current batch of kittens.
Scooter: (The active one. If there is a tabby, I am convinced the active one will be a tabby)
Daisy: (The calm, people-cat. Cautious, but likes people)
Yeller: (A cat person would describe him as "talkative". I wish I'd had a picture a few days ago--he's starting to look like more than "ball of fluff". Not by much, though!)
Tinkerbell: Mom. Barely not a kitten herself. INCREDIBLY demanding of attention. Jon had to hold her so she'd stay far enough away I could get a picture.
Scooter: (The active one. If there is a tabby, I am convinced the active one will be a tabby)
Daisy: (The calm, people-cat. Cautious, but likes people)
Yeller: (A cat person would describe him as "talkative". I wish I'd had a picture a few days ago--he's starting to look like more than "ball of fluff". Not by much, though!)
Tinkerbell: Mom. Barely not a kitten herself. INCREDIBLY demanding of attention. Jon had to hold her so she'd stay far enough away I could get a picture.
On our DSP, we have a number of memory mapped registers for our various peripherals, device configuration, and so on. I came up with a nifty (or maybe not) way of using C++ templates and preprocessor defines to make them look like C++ variables in a program.
The following two templates make it easy to say "This is the address of an memory mapped register (MMR)", or in the case of the second one "This is the base address of an array of memory mapped registers":
Edit: I forgot to mention one other "advantage" of the above approach. You can disable the "static inline" bit so that each of the MMR templates become functions. Then you can set breakpoints on them and catch accesses (reads or writes) to individual registers. Also nifty.
Downside is that the breakpoint name isn't straightforward. It'll be something like mmr__<0x02A00000>() or similar.
The following two templates make it easy to say "This is the address of an memory mapped register (MMR)", or in the case of the second one "This is the base address of an array of memory mapped registers":
template <unsigned int addr>
static inline volatile unsigned int &mmr__()
{
return *(volatile unsigned int *)addr;
}
template <unsigned int addr>
static inline volatile unsigned int *mmr_array__()
{
return (volatile unsigned int *)addr;
}Then, a series of #define statements turn template invocations into things that behave like variables:#define EDMA_CC_BASE (0x02A00000) //.... #define EDMA_CC_REG_(ofs) mmr__ <EDMA_CC_BASE + ofs>() #define EDMA_CC_ARY_(ofs) mmr_array__<EDMA_CC_BASE + ofs>() #define EDMA_CC_PID EDMA_CC_REG_(0x0000) #define EDMA_CC_CCCFG EDMA_CC_REG_(0x0004) #define EDMA_CC_DCHMAP EDMA_CC_ARY_(0x0100) #define EDMA_CC_QCHMAP EDMA_CC_ARY_(0x0200) #define EDMA_CC_DMAQNUM EDMA_CC_ARY_(0x0240)With that in place, I can do things like this:
uint32_t pid = EDMA_CC_PID;
EDMA_CC_DCHMAP[3] = 42;
// etc. etc.
Nifty, eh? The compiler does a pretty good job with this, too. For the above two-line example, it compiles to the following basically optimal code:
ZERO .L2 B4
MVKH .S2 0x2a00000,B4
RET .S2 B3 ; |9|
LDW .D2T2 *B4,B4 ; |16|
MVKL .S1 0x2a0010c,A3
MVKH .S1 0x2a0010c,A3
MVK .S2 42,B5 ; |22|
STW .D1T2 B5,*A3 ; |22|
Not bad.Edit: I forgot to mention one other "advantage" of the above approach. You can disable the "static inline" bit so that each of the MMR templates become functions. Then you can set breakpoints on them and catch accesses (reads or writes) to individual registers. Also nifty.
Downside is that the breakpoint name isn't straightforward. It'll be something like mmr__<0x02A00000>() or similar.
- Location:Left Turn Only World Headquarters
- Mood:
accomplished
my iphone has apparently experienced sudden battery death. expect a very poorly connected leah for the next few days, while she sends her phone in for battery replacement (i do *not* want to upgrade to a 3G, even tho it costs only $10 more, because it comes with a hidden $480 more in data plan fees over 2 years.) if you really need to get ahold of me, call ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif)
akienm . if you *desperately* need to get ahold of me during working hours, calling djdigit would probably work.
akien has exactly 1 screw loose (leftover part). my stereo, on the other hand, is behaving much more reliably, with less noise. thank you akien, for making my music listening more enjoyable.
at ifly last night, i decided to try wearing a smaller flight suit. this had the desired effect, in that i could feel my flight surfaces and make small adjustments rather than flailing. my backflying was much more stable as a result. which is probably what prompted the instructor to give me a surprise front and back flip lesson.
i can has more bookshelves...with better feng shui than the previous arrangement...yay happy living space!
bacterial drain cleaner is also the bomb...yay for well drained kitchen sink!
akienm . if you *desperately* need to get ahold of me during working hours, calling djdigit would probably work.akien has exactly 1 screw loose (leftover part). my stereo, on the other hand, is behaving much more reliably, with less noise. thank you akien, for making my music listening more enjoyable.
at ifly last night, i decided to try wearing a smaller flight suit. this had the desired effect, in that i could feel my flight surfaces and make small adjustments rather than flailing. my backflying was much more stable as a result. which is probably what prompted the instructor to give me a surprise front and back flip lesson.
i can has more bookshelves...with better feng shui than the previous arrangement...yay happy living space!
bacterial drain cleaner is also the bomb...yay for well drained kitchen sink!
"If there is someone on your friends list you would like to take, strip naked with, let them tie you to a bed post, have them lick you until you scream, then fuck until both of you are senseless and unable to fuck anymore, then wait about five minutes and do it all over again, post this exact sentence in your journal."
Several people, actually. Some of whom I have done these things with, and some of whom I haven't. A couple of the folks on my friends list I'd like to do this with might not even know I'd like to do it with them, in fact...I'm devious and canny like that.
And with one or two of 'em, after I'm done...the washer for you!!!
Several people, actually. Some of whom I have done these things with, and some of whom I haven't. A couple of the folks on my friends list I'd like to do this with might not even know I'd like to do it with them, in fact...I'm devious and canny like that.
And with one or two of 'em, after I'm done...the washer for you!!!
- Mood: devious
I am reading Living with Intensity - and actually read about 2/3 of it already tonight since it arrived in the mail today.
The full title is: "Living With Intensity: Understanding the Sensitivity, Excitability, and the Emotional Development of Gifted Children, Adolescents, and Adults" which hints at the rather clinical language used throughout the book. It's definitely written with therapists as a primary audience. Regardless, it's a pretty cool book, in that it goes into some depth about all the different areas of emotional difference that come with giftedness, er, 'being smart.' It especially dives into overexcitabilities (OEs) and Dabrowski's Theory of Positive Disintegration. (Those are short articles from SENG's list of articles on social and emotional aspects of giftedness - an excellent intro set.)
But, those words don't do justice to WHY I'm reading it or what I gained already tonight.
* the realization that I deeply need friendships which mirror back my intensity and passion
* the realization that some of the traits that irritate me in coworkers are also OEs and actually indicators of good things
* the realization that a few of my own annoying traits (yes they bother me too) are also driven by OEs, and while I may be able to adjust their expression, I can't "eliminate" that which is essentially me
Probably the single biggest for me, though, is getting a gut level "oh yeah, that!" on the idea of mirroring and having someone who can reflect back the intensity, passion, verbal connection, and imagination that I have. I have a lot of years of experience of people not understanding me, or my feelings, or my hopes, or even actively telling me that it doesn't matter, don't worry about it, it's no big deal; dismissing my feelings and needs. I have very little experience with validation until pretty recently. And it's so rare that someone has enough time to connect, even if they do have the passion for it, and it also relies on seeing each other enough to build comfort and a strong foundation of shared interests, so the conversation can go deeper than surface events and casual games.
Then to complicate it further, since I rarely get to share with intensity at emotional depths for hours/days at a time, the experience of doing so tends to draw me past friendship and into attraction, which is usually highly inconvenient, depending on the person. (Doh.) I feel a bit less strange about that, however, since reading in the book about it being a really common effect among gifted teens -- that when they finally find authentic connection and intellectual peers, there's a strong tendency for romantic relationships which may or may not be a practical way to connect. It comes with the intensity. And the emotionality and intensity can knock me off course by complicating a friendship. Not that I get much choice in the matter of attraction.
Anyway. Much of my life in the last several years has been about learning to quiet and make moderate my intensity, to try to make practical things work better. Simplify conversations, make peace, etc. Some of that is my own need for safety and peace in my environment. And some is, well... hm. What's the word for a blend of overbearing, stuffy, formal, grudgingly tolerant, cooperative, and wary? Something like that.
My power is trying to find ways to shine, and I want to find ways to let it. And I think, since others mirroring my thoughts, feelings, and experiences back, seems such a foreign experience, that I've probably had rather little of it over the years. I was simply always the one who was "different" - no one was like me, so it seemed that of course no one else had experiences like mine. I finally just settled on always being alone with that. It was settling, though; I wanted more.
Of the OEs (psychomotor/activity, sensual, intellectual, imaginational, and emotional) I have all of them, though psychomotor somewhat less than the others. It still comes through in verbal enthusiasm, and if someone responds well to that, I get more expressive with my whole body too. I often don't feel secure enough to do that, though.
The one I have the hardest time living with is emotional - relatively innocuous conversations or (especially) turn-taking slips around me can set off a surprising intensity in my verbal reactions. I get cranky with people and it surprises even me. It's triggering, yet unpredictable; at best, I notice it once it starts and try to modulate it in the moment. Never easy tho. (And of course... what I worry about for days was objectively no more than 5 seconds of interaction. Heh.) But it made my rock unsteady, and I got crabby at someone, and that bothers me. I expect more of myself. And yes, it takes time to grow into that.
Anyway I stayed up way too late but it was excellent reading and I have a lot of thoughts on ways to share this around groups where the dynamic is happening and I'm not sure we're consciously aware that OEs from giftedness are probably playing a large role. And my own need for intensity and intense verbal expression is also likely contributing to my random outbursts at times I consider inconvenient, meaning beneath that is an unmet need for that expression in healthier ways. I'll have to see what I can figure out for that.
The full title is: "Living With Intensity: Understanding the Sensitivity, Excitability, and the Emotional Development of Gifted Children, Adolescents, and Adults" which hints at the rather clinical language used throughout the book. It's definitely written with therapists as a primary audience. Regardless, it's a pretty cool book, in that it goes into some depth about all the different areas of emotional difference that come with giftedness, er, 'being smart.' It especially dives into overexcitabilities (OEs) and Dabrowski's Theory of Positive Disintegration. (Those are short articles from SENG's list of articles on social and emotional aspects of giftedness - an excellent intro set.)
But, those words don't do justice to WHY I'm reading it or what I gained already tonight.
* the realization that I deeply need friendships which mirror back my intensity and passion
* the realization that some of the traits that irritate me in coworkers are also OEs and actually indicators of good things
* the realization that a few of my own annoying traits (yes they bother me too) are also driven by OEs, and while I may be able to adjust their expression, I can't "eliminate" that which is essentially me
Probably the single biggest for me, though, is getting a gut level "oh yeah, that!" on the idea of mirroring and having someone who can reflect back the intensity, passion, verbal connection, and imagination that I have. I have a lot of years of experience of people not understanding me, or my feelings, or my hopes, or even actively telling me that it doesn't matter, don't worry about it, it's no big deal; dismissing my feelings and needs. I have very little experience with validation until pretty recently. And it's so rare that someone has enough time to connect, even if they do have the passion for it, and it also relies on seeing each other enough to build comfort and a strong foundation of shared interests, so the conversation can go deeper than surface events and casual games.
Then to complicate it further, since I rarely get to share with intensity at emotional depths for hours/days at a time, the experience of doing so tends to draw me past friendship and into attraction, which is usually highly inconvenient, depending on the person. (Doh.) I feel a bit less strange about that, however, since reading in the book about it being a really common effect among gifted teens -- that when they finally find authentic connection and intellectual peers, there's a strong tendency for romantic relationships which may or may not be a practical way to connect. It comes with the intensity. And the emotionality and intensity can knock me off course by complicating a friendship. Not that I get much choice in the matter of attraction.
Anyway. Much of my life in the last several years has been about learning to quiet and make moderate my intensity, to try to make practical things work better. Simplify conversations, make peace, etc. Some of that is my own need for safety and peace in my environment. And some is, well... hm. What's the word for a blend of overbearing, stuffy, formal, grudgingly tolerant, cooperative, and wary? Something like that.
My power is trying to find ways to shine, and I want to find ways to let it. And I think, since others mirroring my thoughts, feelings, and experiences back, seems such a foreign experience, that I've probably had rather little of it over the years. I was simply always the one who was "different" - no one was like me, so it seemed that of course no one else had experiences like mine. I finally just settled on always being alone with that. It was settling, though; I wanted more.
Of the OEs (psychomotor/activity, sensual, intellectual, imaginational, and emotional) I have all of them, though psychomotor somewhat less than the others. It still comes through in verbal enthusiasm, and if someone responds well to that, I get more expressive with my whole body too. I often don't feel secure enough to do that, though.
The one I have the hardest time living with is emotional - relatively innocuous conversations or (especially) turn-taking slips around me can set off a surprising intensity in my verbal reactions. I get cranky with people and it surprises even me. It's triggering, yet unpredictable; at best, I notice it once it starts and try to modulate it in the moment. Never easy tho. (And of course... what I worry about for days was objectively no more than 5 seconds of interaction. Heh.) But it made my rock unsteady, and I got crabby at someone, and that bothers me. I expect more of myself. And yes, it takes time to grow into that.
Anyway I stayed up way too late but it was excellent reading and I have a lot of thoughts on ways to share this around groups where the dynamic is happening and I'm not sure we're consciously aware that OEs from giftedness are probably playing a large role. And my own need for intensity and intense verbal expression is also likely contributing to my random outbursts at times I consider inconvenient, meaning beneath that is an unmet need for that expression in healthier ways. I'll have to see what I can figure out for that.
- Mood:fascinated
Here's my present state: I'm okay...sorta. It hurts when I yawn. Or burp. Or inhale deeply. The only solid food I've eaten since Thursday has been two Reisen chews and a dozen or so saltines.
On Friday morning, I walked into my doctor's office complaining of upper abdominal discomfort. About twelve hours later, I exited the emergency room with pancreatitis. During that half a day I experienced many personal firsts: my first doctor's recommendation that I go directly to the ER; my first injections of morphine; my first CAT scan; and of course, the first time a pretty blonde medical student with a Southern accent violated my personal space in a BIG way. All in all, it's been a very unpleasant few days.
Pancreatitis is, for the most part, not that big of a deal nowadays. It's an inflation of the lining of the pancreas, causing serious discomfort and pain in the upper abdominal region. If untreated, however, it could unleash a whole lotta harm, including death. So it's good it was caught early on. However, it's a serious enough condition that I was almost kept in the hospital overnight and possibly longer.
The flaw with the diagnosis are the list of causes: alcoholism, abdominal trauma, and gallstones, none of which I suffer from. More tests were done, however, and I hopefully will have more information when I return to my doctor's office Monday morning. Stay tuned.
In the meantime, I've been on an almost entirely liquid diet. I bought gallons of Ensure and Slimfast for breakfast and lunch, and meat broths for dinner. As a treat, I have popcicles in the freezer. I need to drink oodles of water as well, most of which I drink straight but sometimes (like now) I mix with a little Tazo iced tea for flavor. If my tests go well Monday, I may graduate to solid but soft foods like mashed potatoes and applesauce...for upwards of a month. No alcohol. No high-fat foods. No fun whatsoever.
I've suffered from maladies before. Brochitis, flu, pneumonia. But this pancreatitus really spooks me. It was so unexpected, so totally from left field. When I come down with a cold, I know it could trigger bronchitis, or the flu, or even pneumonia. And those are pretty dangerous too. But I've always had problems with my lungs; I can see one of those babies coming from a mile off. My most recent malady, however, is a painful reminder that my other body parts are not immune to acute problems, and just because they worked perfectly fine for close to four decades doesn't mean they'll keep it up for another four.
I'm headed for bed now. I'll probably listen to some NPR podcasts and pass out in the middle of some Ira Glass monologue. In the meantime, I hope my pancreas responds well to prayer.
On Friday morning, I walked into my doctor's office complaining of upper abdominal discomfort. About twelve hours later, I exited the emergency room with pancreatitis. During that half a day I experienced many personal firsts: my first doctor's recommendation that I go directly to the ER; my first injections of morphine; my first CAT scan; and of course, the first time a pretty blonde medical student with a Southern accent violated my personal space in a BIG way. All in all, it's been a very unpleasant few days.
Pancreatitis is, for the most part, not that big of a deal nowadays. It's an inflation of the lining of the pancreas, causing serious discomfort and pain in the upper abdominal region. If untreated, however, it could unleash a whole lotta harm, including death. So it's good it was caught early on. However, it's a serious enough condition that I was almost kept in the hospital overnight and possibly longer.
The flaw with the diagnosis are the list of causes: alcoholism, abdominal trauma, and gallstones, none of which I suffer from. More tests were done, however, and I hopefully will have more information when I return to my doctor's office Monday morning. Stay tuned.
In the meantime, I've been on an almost entirely liquid diet. I bought gallons of Ensure and Slimfast for breakfast and lunch, and meat broths for dinner. As a treat, I have popcicles in the freezer. I need to drink oodles of water as well, most of which I drink straight but sometimes (like now) I mix with a little Tazo iced tea for flavor. If my tests go well Monday, I may graduate to solid but soft foods like mashed potatoes and applesauce...for upwards of a month. No alcohol. No high-fat foods. No fun whatsoever.
I've suffered from maladies before. Brochitis, flu, pneumonia. But this pancreatitus really spooks me. It was so unexpected, so totally from left field. When I come down with a cold, I know it could trigger bronchitis, or the flu, or even pneumonia. And those are pretty dangerous too. But I've always had problems with my lungs; I can see one of those babies coming from a mile off. My most recent malady, however, is a painful reminder that my other body parts are not immune to acute problems, and just because they worked perfectly fine for close to four decades doesn't mean they'll keep it up for another four.
I'm headed for bed now. I'll probably listen to some NPR podcasts and pass out in the middle of some Ira Glass monologue. In the meantime, I hope my pancreas responds well to prayer.
- Mood:
bouncy - Music:DMB: Crush
It aggravates me when someone says to me, "I'm sorry I upset you," when I'm not upset.
It is an annoying assumption for people to make, and far better to ask than assert, because it seems that one can't reply, "I'm not upset," without it sounding disingenous and defensive. *I* certainly can't, at any rate, and it irritates me when I say, "No, I'm fine," and then go on to lay out my thought process, giving additional background for my response, only to get back a dubious, "Well, you seemed upset." Do not tell me how I feel! I understand that the way it sounded going out of my head may not match the way it sounds going into another, and I realize that your responses may be designed for people who are not on the level emotionally. Tell you what, though: I tend to err on the side of oversharing, especially when I'm unhappy. If I'm not mentioning a bad feeling that has to do with you, there are only a few possible reasons for it.
a) I have decided that my feeling is wrong, or at least lacks a rational basis, and I am discounting it.
b) I'm looking for the kindest way to express a harsh truth about something that can't be helped. I believe that baldly telling people things like, "Your interest is flattering but I find you boring and unattractive," crosses the line between honesty and assnozzlry... and by the way, I have no one from my friends list in mind with that hypothetical comment, but if you wondered if I did, I feel that you need to learn how to like yourself better.
c) It is so minor that fixing it will have no real effect on my life, while explaining it will take more time and cause more annoyance than just letting it go. I don't want to still be discussing something stupid five minutes down the line when I would have forgotten about it in three.
In any of those cases, I will still tell the truth if asked. What sucks for me is that having to argue about whether or not I am upset seems to be a pet peeve of mine - in fact, I believe it is THE quickest trivial way to annoy the shit out of me - and then the person uses my agitation as proof that I was lying about being upset. No, dipshit, in fact I was fine until you started this crap!
Also annoying: when someone sets you on a train of thought like this and then dashes away from the conversation, leaving you with the pale consolation prize of posting to LJ.
It is an annoying assumption for people to make, and far better to ask than assert, because it seems that one can't reply, "I'm not upset," without it sounding disingenous and defensive. *I* certainly can't, at any rate, and it irritates me when I say, "No, I'm fine," and then go on to lay out my thought process, giving additional background for my response, only to get back a dubious, "Well, you seemed upset." Do not tell me how I feel! I understand that the way it sounded going out of my head may not match the way it sounds going into another, and I realize that your responses may be designed for people who are not on the level emotionally. Tell you what, though: I tend to err on the side of oversharing, especially when I'm unhappy. If I'm not mentioning a bad feeling that has to do with you, there are only a few possible reasons for it.
b) I'm looking for the kindest way to express a harsh truth about something that can't be helped. I believe that baldly telling people things like, "Your interest is flattering but I find you boring and unattractive," crosses the line between honesty and assnozzlry... and by the way, I have no one from my friends list in mind with that hypothetical comment, but if you wondered if I did, I feel that you need to learn how to like yourself better.
c) It is so minor that fixing it will have no real effect on my life, while explaining it will take more time and cause more annoyance than just letting it go. I don't want to still be discussing something stupid five minutes down the line when I would have forgotten about it in three.
In any of those cases, I will still tell the truth if asked. What sucks for me is that having to argue about whether or not I am upset seems to be a pet peeve of mine - in fact, I believe it is THE quickest trivial way to annoy the shit out of me - and then the person uses my agitation as proof that I was lying about being upset. No, dipshit, in fact I was fine until you started this crap!
Also annoying: when someone sets you on a train of thought like this and then dashes away from the conversation, leaving you with the pale consolation prize of posting to LJ.
- Mood:grumpy
Some time ago parkrrrr sent me a link to Cowbirds in Love, a webcomic that is really all about the humor. The art style is bare bones but it isn't the focus and it's just simple, not bad, so it works. I've been reading through the archive, and the best part is frequently the alt text or the text addendum below - there are many solid strip concepts but they average lower, perhaps because the artist is yet another member of the family of people who have an unreasonable love for puns.
Sometimes, though, it's just the strip.
parkrrrr sent me a link to Cowbirds in Love, a webcomic that is really all about the humor. The art style is bare bones but it isn't the focus and it's just simple, not bad, so it works. I've been reading through the archive, and the best part is frequently the alt text or the text addendum below - there are many solid strip concepts but they average lower, perhaps because the artist is yet another member of the family of people who have an unreasonable love for puns. Sometimes, though, it's just the strip.
I blame the_xtina for the fact that I discovered this evening what appears to be a large, coordinated, and widespread attack on multiple Web hosting providers.
I hadn't actually intended to do any computer security stuff today; my plans for the evening involved playing WoW.the_xtina speculated during an IM conversation this evening about the existence of Viking porn, so naturally I did a Google search, and got rather more than I expected.
A Google search for "viking porn" turns up a few hits with a Google "this site may harm your computer" tag. Both of the first two I looked at--because I can't stay away from the "this site may harm your computer" tag--had a couple of interesting things in common: they were hosted on iPower Web, the notoriously insecure Web host I've written about on several occasions in the past; both had malicious redirection files in a directory named /backup/, both used a complex series of traffic redirectors before ending up at the malware site proper, and both were heavily seeded throughout Google using a very large number of popular pornographic and non-pornographic keywords.
In other words, all the hallmarks of the Russian Zlob gang. God, how I hate those people.
I widened the Google search using both common keywords (like "porn") and keywords I know the Zlob gang favors, and specifying inurl:/backup/ as part of the search.
What I ended up with was a VERY long list of compromised Web sites, each with a directory named /backup/ containing large numbers of files stuffed full of keywords and each of which redirects through a series of redirectors to a site that attempts a drive-by malware download.
( Click here for more technical details (down the rabbit hole we go!) )
Edited to add: Many, but not all, of the hacked sites also have invisible iFrames placed on them which load content from http://microsotf.cn/ or http://updatedate.cn/.
The first isn't resolving for me at the moment. The second is, but returns a blank page when loaded directly; again, it's probably checking the browser for exploits and attempting to download malware in the background.
the_xtina for the fact that I discovered this evening what appears to be a large, coordinated, and widespread attack on multiple Web hosting providers.I hadn't actually intended to do any computer security stuff today; my plans for the evening involved playing WoW.
the_xtina speculated during an IM conversation this evening about the existence of Viking porn, so naturally I did a Google search, and got rather more than I expected.A Google search for "viking porn" turns up a few hits with a Google "this site may harm your computer" tag. Both of the first two I looked at--because I can't stay away from the "this site may harm your computer" tag--had a couple of interesting things in common: they were hosted on iPower Web, the notoriously insecure Web host I've written about on several occasions in the past; both had malicious redirection files in a directory named /backup/, both used a complex series of traffic redirectors before ending up at the malware site proper, and both were heavily seeded throughout Google using a very large number of popular pornographic and non-pornographic keywords.
In other words, all the hallmarks of the Russian Zlob gang. God, how I hate those people.
I widened the Google search using both common keywords (like "porn") and keywords I know the Zlob gang favors, and specifying inurl:/backup/ as part of the search.
What I ended up with was a VERY long list of compromised Web sites, each with a directory named /backup/ containing large numbers of files stuffed full of keywords and each of which redirects through a series of redirectors to a site that attempts a drive-by malware download.
( Click here for more technical details (down the rabbit hole we go!) )
Edited to add: Many, but not all, of the hacked sites also have invisible iFrames placed on them which load content from http://microsotf.cn/ or http://updatedate.cn/.
The first isn't resolving for me at the moment. The second is, but returns a blank page when loaded directly; again, it's probably checking the browser for exploits and attempting to download malware in the background.
- Mood: aggravated
I swear this is what it was like at the Jewel gas pump today....
Me: *pull up to pump*
Gas pump: Welcome to me, the gas pump! Swipe your card! Or pay inside! I don't care so long as we get your money in the end.
Me: *swipe card*
Gas pump: is that debit or credit?
Me: *press debit button*
Gas pump: I am authorizing your card.... Ok, enter you pin.
Me: *enter pin*
Gas pump: Authorizing your card
Me: *twiddling my thumbs*
Gas pump: Ok, done. Now do you want to swipe Jewel preferred card? Press the 'no' button if not.
Me: What? Ok.... *rummage through change purse for card * ... *scanning pump keypad for this 'no' button* ... *not finding 'no' button*... What the (expletive)?.. *rummaging for card some more... Eventually find and swipe Jewel preferred card*
Gas pump: Hey, sweet, you have a six cent credit! Do you want to use it now? Press the 'yes' button!
Me: What? What the.... *scanning keypad some more* ... WHAT 'YES' BUTTON?! * now desperately trying to find this 'yes' button not because I care about six cents, but because I just want this to end* *finally find what I can only assume is the 'yes' button because the writing is completely faded* *press 'yes' button*
Gas pump: Awesome. Would you like to buy a car wash?
Me: AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!! No!!! I do not want a car wash! I am running late! Why are you asking all these questions?! *enthusiastically press recently found 'no' button*
Gas pump: Your car is pretty filthy... But whatever.
Me: *glaring*
Gas pump: Hey, it's your life. Pick a fuel grade, dirty car girl.
Me: *pressing regular grade button with more than a smige of resentment*
Gas pump: Hmmmmm... and cheap, too.
Me: Listen, gas pump obviously sent from the foulest depths of hell: If I am not pumping gas in the next ten seconds, I will destroy you like the Romulan ship at the end of the new "Star Trek" movie. Cat fiche?
Gas pump: You're feisty. I like that. Go ahead and pump your gas now. You earned it.
Me: FINALLY! *pump gas* *twitch*
You know what's coming now.
Gas pump: So.... You want a receipt or what?
Me: AAAAAAAAAARRRRRGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *string of expletives deleted*
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